"How can you complain about your life when there are starving children in Africa who have it worse?

By that logic, no one anywhere has the right to complain about anything. Not even a starving kid in Africa because somewhere else in Africa there's someone starving worse. It's a stupid argument.

"Obama is a Muslim."

According to Huffington Post, more than 30% of Republicans falsely believe Obama is Muslim. That is frightening.

"You can't trust anything on Wikipedia. Anyone can edit it."

I hate when people disregard something I say when I admit I read about it on Wikipedia. The Wikipedia staff does a fairly good job of policing its high-traffic articles, and a lot of them are written by certified experts. Granted, my friend tricked the online toymaking community into thinking he invented the pogo stick. But their information (on anything important) is generally pretty reliable.

"Which came first - the chicken or the egg?"

Apparently science or something proved that the chicken came first. I'm not even gonna pretend to explain what I read in that CBS article.

"In a Relationship with (Best Friend)"

My Facebook would avoid saying that.

"A little slow on the uptake there."

I don't even know what uptake means. I usually avoid phrases like "luck of the draw" or "benefit of the doubt" because I don't like the way they sound or don't know what they mean. I really just don't understand why it's "the" doubt or "the" draw.

"God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt."

God made everything. And there's definitely a lot of stuff out there that can kill me.

"Don't hit women."

Don't hit anyone.

"Money can't buy happiness."

It can come pretty close. Money can buy helicopters. And how happy would you be if you had your own helicopter?

"Check out my blog sometime."

Definitely deleted what I originally wrote. I almost indulged in what I swore not to when I started this blog: angst.

"Don't judge a book by its cover."

The guy on the bus with his tattered hoodie over his eyes and his hands in his pockets is way more likely to mug me than the guy who looks like the PC half of those commercials Justin Long makes. Just don't be a racist dick.

"He's such a stalker."

In the old days, a stalker was a guy who made obscene phone calls and followed you home from work. Nowadays, the term applies to anyone who smiles at you funny or references something he could only know from looking at your Facebook. It's sad, I think. Our generation's created this stigma of being labeled a stalker such that people are boxing themselves in. Not entirely related, but I never understood why parents taught their kids not to talk to strangers. Cops and cashiers are strangers, and it took forever for me to get the balls to talk to them. Just don't let your kids talk to any sketchy types at the playground with their hands down their pants and it'll be all good.

"Hey, can you watch my stuff while I'm in the bathroom?"

Why would I trust a complete stranger to watch my stuff? Wait, let me rephrase that. Why would I trust a complete stranger to protect my stuff from other complete strangers?

"I hate the Beatles."

Nobody really hates the Beatles. You can be indifferent to them, but if your music tastes are even remotely mainstream, chances are you sort of like at least one of their songs. People only say they hate the Beatles to be a minority. I'm a little guilty of this myself actually. There's a reason the first five artists under my Facebook's music section are bands you've never heard of and oldies. If you wanna be really nonconformist, go live in a tree or something.

"Jesse Eisenberg deserves the Oscar for Best Actor. The Social Network was the best movie of the year!"

I feel like people only really liked The Social Network for its cultural relevance. Apparently 1 in 13 people worldwide uses Facebook. Don't get me wrong - it was a good movie. It just wasn't the super witty, orgasm-inducing underdog movie we were all promised, and I don't really see the hype to it or Jesse Eisenberg's acting in it. I mean, he's a good actor (Zombieland was hilarious) but the movie's version of Mark Zuckerberg really isn't the most likeable character to me. I mean, I'm grateful to the real Zuck for creating the ultimate outlet for my narcissism, but Jesse's character is boring and borderline autistic. His lines are barely clever, and they all just sound terrible when you consider that he really kind of is a thief. Maybe possession really is nine-tenths of the law.

"Your mom!"

C'mon.

"That's going straight to my blog!"

Rather, I don't ever really think that, which is probably why I haven't posted in a while. I'm not really used to having a blog, which is too bad since I have a lot of thoughts I wish I'd written down but didn't. Speaking of which, I had this really great idea for a patent the other day: a compass that tells which direction Mecca is. Too bad it already exists... Whatever, no one really reads this except my girlfriend, my roommate, and maybe my uncle. Yes, boys and girls, I'm straight. Sorry to any guys who may've Googled pissed off poultry and accidentally fell in love with my online persona.